


O Lord, I am not worthy

by Dead_Fireflies375



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Queerplatonic Relationships, basically just 1.7k words of Oscar being absolutely in love with Zolf, but it's mainly comfort, minor spoilers for rusty quill gaming, no beta we make like the romans and die, your honor they are in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28354839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dead_Fireflies375/pseuds/Dead_Fireflies375
Summary: There is a moment of peace in their journey, and Oscar does not like to sit idly. Zolf finds him trying to do more paperwork.
Relationships: Zolf Smith & Oscar Wilde, Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 3
Kudos: 54





	O Lord, I am not worthy

**Author's Note:**

> [peeks into rqg fandom]
> 
> hello!!! I may or may not be caught up with rqg (hint: I'm not) but I also have zero self control and already like deep dived the tags on tumblr and discovered the whole Zolf/Wilde ship waaay before I go to the actual content of it and I may or may not have this ship living rent free in my mind since so I read a bunch of fanfiction of them even though I haven't gotten to the parts that the fanfiction is about yet.
> 
> anyways, this is more or less canon compliant I think? I have a very rough understanding of what happened like episodes 177-179? and kinda the Japan gap? I'm not gonna say how far I actually am in the podcast cause it's embarrassing lol, but I tried my best to write this as close as I could to what I know happens? there may be a line or two that doesn't quite fit because of some part that I haven't listened to yet, but overall it should go pretty well with what's canon so far???
> 
> anyways title and inspo for this little thing both comes from my favorite Oscar Wilde quote.
> 
> hope you like it!!!!!

"Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling, and Domine non sum dingus [O Lord, I am not worthy] should be on the lips and in the hearts of those who receive it."

-Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

* * *

Oscar Wilde was sitting on the floor of his cabin, paperwork sprawled all around him. They were in a lull, a pause in the chaos that often feels neverending. He didn’t have to do this now. He really didn’t have to do anything right now. But it didn’t feel right to sit idly when so much was still wrong. So he tried to do something to keep himself busy, with the hope that it might actually benefit someone else.

He heard his door creak open. He didn’t even have to look up to know who it was. He had long since committed the sound of the dwarf’s footsteps to memory. Zolf approached him, taking care to not step on any of the loose papers lying about. Soon, Zolf was standing next to Oscar, fingers running through his white hair. Oscar immediately melted into the touch, sighing heavily as he leaned against Zolf’s chest and closed his eyes.

“You still working?” Zolf gruffly asked.

Oscar nodded. “Trying to at least. Doesn’t feel right not doing anything when there’s still so much to do.”

Zolf tsked disapprovingly. “Gonna have to force you to get some rest again, aren’t I?”

Oscar couldn’t stop himself from smiling softly as he wrapped his arms around the dwarf. “Please do.”

With his head still pressed against the dwarf’s chest, he could feel the soft chuckle ripple through him. It was not Zolf’s usual laugh, it was the one Oscar only heard when the two were alone together. He could not help but feel pride swell in his chest, knowing that he caused that laugh, that the laugh was only for him, that he was the only one who unlocked this part of Zolf.

“I take it you’re done with your work?” Oscar quietly asked.

“Just finished all my duties for the day,” Zolf replied, “I’m all yours now.”

Oscar tilted his head up to finally look at Zolf. Emerald green eyes stared back at him, full of a level of adoration that he never thought someone could have for him.

“All mine?” Oscar couldn’t help the playful smile that spread across his face.

Zolf rolled his eyes fondly. “Yeah, you idiot. All yours. Always am.”

“Aren’t I lucky? Having the famous Mr. Zolf Smith all to myself. My rivals must be positively green with envy,” Oscar grinned.

Zolf rolled his eyes again, but he was smiling. His hands moved from Oscar’s hair to cup his face. “There are no rivals. Just you,” his voice so full of sincerity that Oscar could do nothing else but bury his face into Zolf’s chest again, pulling him impossibly closer, with Zolf’s arms wrapping around him likewise.

He could feel the kiss that Zolf pressed to his temple and he sighed in contentment, relishing the feeling of being held by someone so present and solid and  _ there _ . 

“It’s only you for me too,” Oscar practically whispered into his chest, voice muffled by his shirt.

He could practically hear the smile in Zolf’s voice when he replied, “Well, ain’t that convenient for us.”

Oscar snorted with laughter. “Ah, truly you have a way with words, Mr. Smith. I believe you missed your true calling to become a poet.”

“Hey, we can’t all be Harrison Cambell.”

“Quite.”

A moment was spent in content silence as the duo held onto each other so tight, it was almost as if letting go would be the death of them, which was not far from the truth in a way.

“Have you eaten today?” Zolf quietly asked.

Oscar shook his head, not able to lie to him.

“‘Course you haven’t,” Zolf responded disapprovingly, “I swear that one of these days I am going to make you finally start taking better care of yourself. Come on, I’ll cook you something.”

Zolf made a move to head out, but Oscar stopped him by holding on even tighter.

“Wait. Can we… just wait a moment first? I promise that I will eat but I just want to stay here like this with you for a bit longer.”

Oscar looked up at him and saw Zolf’s face soften as he caressed his face, bending ever so slightly to plant a kiss on his forehead.

“Alright. But the longer we wait, the more food I am going to make sure you eat.”

Oscar repositioned the way he was sitting so he could bury his face into the crook of Zolf’s neck.

“I can live with that,” he whispered, lips brushing against his ear.

“Good. Was hard enough bringing you back the first time you died.”

Oscar could feel his heart beating in his chest, could feel Zolf’s doing the same, could feel the heat from Zolf’s body seeping into him as strong arms held him tight. A reminder that they were alive, that this was all real, that this wasn’t a dream. He could feel one of Zolf’s hands press up against his pulse in his neck, also seeking that same confirmation. That somehow despite everything, they still had each other.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Oscar asked after a minute.

Zolf groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

“So much has changed since then, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah.. it has,” there was a sorrowful tone to Zolf’s voice and Oscar couldn’t blame him.

They had both gone through so much, lost so much. So many others have been hurt because of them and they have both gone through more than their fair share of hurt themselves. The Oscar Wilde and Zolf Smith that first met in London back then were both merely shadows of who they were now.

“Did you ever imagine back then, that this is where we’d be?”

Zolf snorted with laughter. “‘Course not. You were a vague acquaintance that I barely knew and wanted to drown in a bucket. I doubt that I would have ever guessed that you would be… who you are now to me. Or even that I could ever be happy with someone.”

“I… I don’t think I could either,” Oscar whispered, “You were certainly attractive enough to catch my eye but to feel  _ this _ for someone? I… don’t know if I would have believed I could have that.”

Oscar readjusted himself again, kneeling so he could look up at Zolf, hands clasped on each side of his face. He silently marveled at the beauty that was Zolf Smith. His face carved by years of pain and hardships that none should have experienced, yet shining through was a pure unadulterated love that Oscar Wilde was the sole recipient of. It was almost too overwhelming. To be loved this intensely, for someone like  _ him _ to be loved by someone like Zolf in this way, he didn’t deserve it.

Something must have tipped Zolf off to the turn his thoughts were taking because he felt Zolf’s hands move to hold his face, thumbs rubbing the sides of his face gently and concern etched into the crease of his brow. His hands rough and calloused from years of hard work yet touching Oscar with such gentleness as if he was some work of art that he was afraid of breaking.

“What are you thinking about?” Zolf asked gently.

“I-” in a rare moment, Oscar found himself at a loss for words. How could he put a word to what they had? How he felt for the cleric in front of him? How he was still utterly amazed that Zolf chose to spend the rest of his life with him, in whatever form that might take? How unworthy he feels to be the recipient of such love?

“Why?” was all he managed to say, hoping Zolf could understand all that was left unsaid.

“Because,” Zolf leaned forward, touching their foreheads together, “Because you’re  _ you _ , Oscar. That’s why.”

“I’m not worthy,” Oscar breathed, voice cracking slightly, “I don’t deserve this.”

“Neither do I. But life doesn’t seem to care about giving us what we deserve, does it? What matters is that I’m here now and I love you and you are going to be stuck with me for the rest of your life because I almost lost you once and I don’t intend to do it again.”

Oscar’s face hurt from smiling and he didn’t notice the tears falling until he felt Zolf wipe them away. 

“Have I ever told you that you have a wonderful way with words, dear?”

“Well, I’ve learned from the best.”

“I’m flattered.”

“I was talking about Cambell.”

They laughed and Oscar felt as if time had stopped, like this moment could never end. The two of them, together, laughing and holding each, light from a nearby lantern illuminating their faces. In this moment, Oscar felt as if nothing could hurt them.

Gazing up at the man he was in love with, Oscar wondered if this is what those who were religious felt. Kneeling in front of someone so divine and perfect, who loves you including all your faults, even though you don’t deserve it, accepting said love as if it was a blessed sacrament; perhaps that is the closest Oscar can get to those who have their gods. Or maybe it was nothing like that. Maybe what he had with Zolf was far more powerful than that.

“Come on,” Zolf said, still with a lightness to his tone, “You can’t keep putting off dinner.”

“Fine,” Oscar half-heartedly grumbled, allowing himself to be helped to stand up to his full height. He laughed as he heard Zolf curse under his breath at that.

“Fucking hell, Wilde. Always forget how tall you actually are,” Zolf muttered.

Oscar grinned and leaned down so he could plant a soft kiss on the top of Zolf’s head. He felt Zolf reach up to grab his hand and entwine their fingers together.

“I love you too, Zolf.”

Oscar could see the blush forming across Zolf’s cheeks.

“Come on now,” Zolf coughed, failing at pretending to not be flustered, “I’ll get some meat on those bones yet.”

Oscar allowed himself to be dragged out of the room and for the first time in a long time, he thought that there may be a happy ending for them yet. Not an ending that they deserved or were worthy of, but a happy ending nonetheless. And maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hope that was good!!!!
> 
> if you want to yell at me about stuff or see my art or my descent into rqg madness, you can find me on tumblr @chaotic-bi-incarnate and on ig @elliot_475
> 
> stay safe and drink water lovelies!!!!


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